I Was Headed to a Party and (🎶Wah Wahhhh🎶)

by: seejanerunn

A few days ago, my friend Russ called to remind me that he was hosting his annual Weenie Fest. Russ’s Weenie Fest is a summer staple; a collective get-together of both young and mature local artists, musicians and others who a convene at Casa de Russ and roast everything from Hot Dogs to Not Dogs.

I had been looking forward to this party all week, scheduling everything around it. Just today, anticipating the party, I juggled contractors and professional appointments around the event, while carving out time to prepare my side dish (a barley, spinach and quinoa salad, with roasted corn, black beans, edamame & tomato). I was running late, as usual, and made one last grocery stop while en route.

While I was in the grocery store, I received a text from a friend: “No party. Russ is dead.”

I convinced myself that it was a joke because I was late. Late late late. Me- always late. What kind of joke is that?! Apparently, it was no joke at all.

Just a few days ago, I spent some time on the phone with Russ catching up and making plans for Weenie Fest. The next day, a neighbor found him, early in the morning, dead on the sidewalk in front of his house. Two days later, on this Weenie Fest Day, a whole slew of people showed up at his home bearing side dishes and libations. Partygoers were met by Russ’s two children, who had to explain “No party. Dad is dead.”

Given his health, diabetes and all, no one seemed surprised by the death. And that feels weird. We all expected it- just not today . Well, then, why not today? What was more special about today than any other preceding or proceeding day? And any future date would hold the same sentiment… “We knew someday, but not today.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about my health and my future life lately, and that of my parents. Afterall, Russ’s kids are younger than me. It makes me feel like I haven’t been taking things as seriously as I should have been. On the other hand, I think, “We’re all headed that way soon enough, why not blow it out the whole way down?” It harkens the oft-repeated lyrics of Neil Young- “better to burn out than fade away.”

Who am I leaving anything for? No one. I’m unmarried and have no posterity of which to speak. Russ touched my life, but who have I affected? And for my parents… who will eventually die… How will they feel about me and what I have done, or have not done, for them?

…

My mind meandered to the truly macabre… What does it feel like to die? Is that it? Is it an all-consuming darkness, or an all-consuming light? Or… Is it nothing? Nothing… Nothing at all. Is all this life, and all this fuss about nothing??? Was his dying thought, as he fell to the pavement, “Gee I wish I would have partied more” Or “Gee I wish I would have gone to church more” or “Gee I wish I would have juiced more”? Or, was he just like “Oh, Fukitol… Relief… Thank you!” ???

The way I feel about it now is that, no matter how you want to live your life, make that decision. Decide. Don’t live limbo. Make your decision and live each moment towards your desired end. If you think there is life everlasting, go to church. If you think your health can save you, juice more and jog ten miles a day. If you want your business to be your legacy, set up a cot in your office. If you want to burn out, then burn out. And if you want to fade away, then fade away.

Me? I’d rather sing out. ⬅ Choose your own adventure! If you want to exit this blog feeling warm and fuzzy, I suggest you follow the link!!

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